Yesterday I had the privilege of participating in a webinar with some Christian leaders. The purpose was to share and discuss the importance of discernment in navigating the often troubled waters of life and the times we are living in. The title was “Wise as Serpents”, referencing Matthew 10:16, “Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.”
Interestingly, the Amplified version reads, “Listen carefully: I am sending you out like sheep among wolves; so be wise as serpents, and innocent as doves [have no self-serving agenda]”. Does it not seem that so many in the world of church and Christian circles have a self-serving agenda? They have figured out the serpent part, but ignore the dove. It reminds me of the oath doctors take to “do no harm”. So many in the body of Christ these days are causing harm. Now, it’s easy to look around at what everyone else is doing – that ministry over there, that pastor, that leader who fell – but Jesus always brings it home to my doorstep. Am I contributing to harm? Is it always about my agenda?
Often in life I’ve noticed a pattern when people are really struggling with something. We talk through a variety of situations that are causing us pain, heartache, or just frustration, and fail to notice that the common denominator in all of these is ….us.
It’s a humbling and sobering realization, and usually pretty uncomfortable. The good news is that discomfort and frustration – and anger – can be what pushes us to change.
In my own life a pattern had emerged of being easily misled and taken advantage of by others. I’ve been trying to solve this problem for years, since childhood. The pattern had to be caused by the toxicity of others, didn’t it? Other people must be the problem. They were just selfish and cruel, and saw me as an easy target. I was sometimes naive, overly empathic, and believed the best about everyone.
While part or most of that is likely true, if this being pushed around was a life pattern for me I eventually realized where I needed to look was – in the mirror.
Why was I taken advantage of so often?
One idea brought out in the webinar was the value of being alone with your thoughts. The conversation centered around learning to be wise and discerning in the times we are living in. I resonated with a participant’s suggestion to spend time reflecting quietly, whether that be journaling or perhaps walking in silence. Outside of the noise, beyond the realm of propaganda, influence, or dominating voices, the reality of a situation can become more clear. I would prefer listening to podcasts, playing a YouTube video, or discussing the latest news. I relish exploring the ideas of others; it’s a comfortable place. Turning all that off, the empty room seems loud at first. It might be uncomfortable, but quiet inner reflection is essential to find clarity.
Over time the realization grew that I was the common denominator in this pattern of being taken advantage of. My codependency was at the core. I couldn’t be okay unless everyone else was okay, so I would regulate my feelings by doing what they wanted. This is commonly called “people-pleasing”. An accurate but negative synonym for people pleasing is “door mat”; others are accommodating, cooperative, courteous. Agreeable. Unfortunately, all of these are often highly praised, especially in Christian circles, and particularly if you are female. I recall getting a character award in elementary school. My character word was “generous”. I was so confused at the time. Generous? I’m not generous. I’m tired. I’m depleted. I was also sad. But I sure didn’t feel generous. When pathology is lauded as kindness and godliness, it creates a confusing, incompatible dissonance.
It was my inner need for peace and approval that prompted the ever-ready “fawn” response, where I instantly caved to the suggestions, wants or needs of others. There are four responses to stress: fight, flight, freeze, fawn. Fawning is being overly agreeable to avoid conflict, downplaying or ignoring one’s own needs to accommodate others.
On the plus side, people-pleasers are thoughtful, caring, and empathic. However, the negative traits include the tendency to over-achieve, the need to take control, low self-esteem, anxiety, and fear of conflict. I never thought of my perfectionism as a need for control, but it probably is. If I can control what I do, maybe I can have more influence over how others respond to me. Maybe they will love me more. If I perform perfectly, maybe it will fix the things that are broken.
The following is a list of characteristics of people-pleasers.
- Finding it hard to say “no” and feeling guilty, selfish, or unkind if you do
- Being overly concerned with others’ perceptions of you
- Agreeing with opinions you do not share or doing things you do not want to do to earn approval or to be liked
- Poor self-image
- External rather than internal sense of self-worth
- Apologizing even when you do not need to
- Taking the blame when it’s not your fault
- Helping people at the expense of your own needs or time 1
As I approach my 50th birthday I know the best present I can give myself is to be authentic. Authenticity is the polar opposite of conformity. Since beginning a journey some years ago of exploring what it means to be real, authentic, and ME, I’ve learned one hard truth; I can’t be authentic and a people-pleaser at the same time. It’s impossible to walk in truth and make everyone happy. And if someone actually cares about you, they want the truth about how you’re feeling. Not harsh or brutal nastiness disguised as “tough love”, but an honest, kind, loving and yet real statement.
But back to the “Wise as Serpents” webinar. In fractured and polarized times, who do we follow? In other words, how can we engage authentically and truthfully in the world, while remaining harmless, kind, and innocent of evil? I’ve wrestled with whether the personal reflection and the larger conversation about wisdom should be two separate posts. Maybe, but in my mind they are hand in hand.
- For what do we have as a way to engage with the world besides our own perspective?
- And how can we be clear on our perspective, if we don’t understand our own reality?
My personal story of people-pleasing has given me some insight into the wider conversation. If I am not showing up in the world as my authentic self, I’m just a “clanging cymbal”, reverberating the answers or insights other people want me to say. Maybe I don’t agree, and so the clang won’t ring out and amplify but be met instead with muted velvet and not much sound at all.
Here are a few points I’ve been pondering while “thinking about thinking”. How to remain salt and light without adding to problems with our own self-serving agenda:
- Wait. Don’t be in a hurry. Try not to pressure yourself or others. Don’t jump ahead, knowing all the answers without taking time to reflect.
- Humility. This brings back that phrase “have no self-serving agenda”. Humility doesn’t always need to be heard, and doesn’t always have to be right.
- Know you are susceptible to deception. This can be self-deception, or the persuasion of others that becomes difficult to see around.
- Listen to a community of voices. A one-sided perspective can create an echo-chamber of bias, where existing views are constantly reinforced, but hearing from other perspectives can set things right.
- Sit with it. Sometimes we just need to press pause, to wait, reflect, and watch. And if your decision to sit with an idea, or a proposal, or a thought is met with resistance or even retaliation, that is what we call a red flag. If someone in your life doesn’t want you to take time and think, they might be trying to control your perspective.
For the Lord gives wisdom;
from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
7 He holds success in store for the upright,
he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,
8 for he guards the course of the just
and protects the way of his faithful ones.9 Then you will understand what is right and just
and fair—every good path.
10 For wisdom will enter your heart,
and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.
11 Discretion will protect you,
and understanding will guard you.Proverbs 2:6-11
Words have power and should be handled with care and responsibility. We are accountable for the words we say (and write!) Thankfully, God promises to give wisdom to those who ask (James 1:5). His gift of understanding will guard us.
Do you need to press pause, and wait for wisdom to catch up? We all need discernment and peace in these troubled times when the world is shaking. If we listen and tread carefully and truthfully, we can find the way through, even if the path ahead is difficult to see.
Stories for Humans 