I suppose it is the teacher in me. I have noticed a tendency to be didactic, rather than tell stories. Now, there are stories, real and fictional, that brew in my mind behind the scenes of these posts. And I know the best writing is specific. The more detailed and specific writing is, the more people relate.
For now I am dwelling more in generalities. Maybe it will remind you of your own story, your own specific experience.
When I say to cover those you love, I mean to not talk freely to others about their weak points, struggles, personal issues, or failures. (I do not mean holding back the truth when it is needed. Sometimes we “cover up” things that actually need to be exposed.) The covering I am referring to is about caring more for the reputation of those we love than for our own. Now, I am often guilty of being an “over-sharer”. I explain way too much. Sometimes I blindly trust that what I’m sharing will be kept in confidence. Things like health concerns, children’s struggles and relationship problems are very personal. It’s not fodder for chewing over with someone outside of those who were originally told.
Covering is a small act of sacrifice that shows real love in action. As parents, while our kids are growing, it is common to talk with other parents about the struggles or idiosyncrasies of our children, commiserating or comparing — a kind of “friend therapy” where we can feel relieved that we aren’t alone. But this really should end at a certain age, and maybe shouldn’t begin in the first place. I’m not sure where that line is. We have to remember that our kids will grow up probably in the same community for years, and will have to bear up under the stories we have told about them or the stories that have perhaps been embellished with the passing around. A good rule of thumb is, if you didn’t hear it directly from them, it’s not yours to listen to or to regurgitate. I have heard a few whispers about myself now and then, and I wonder where on earth these ideas came from. It’s not always worth investigating. The more attention you give a pile of garbage, the more it seems to stink.
Worse than hearing little whispers about oneself, is hearing things about your kids. Rumors hurt. Things said thoughtlessly have a way of rising back up and damaging those we say we love. When you actually love someone, you protect them.
Why is talking about others so easy to do? It seems to be even more common in Christian circles, sadly. What begins as a “prayer request” becomes conversations in low tones, passed back and forth, until the original request is lost but the reputation is destroyed. People ask why there is a lack of trust these days with the same mouth they used earlier to reiterate how annoying or awful someone is.
Humans are notoriously insecure. We crave attention, and knowing information is one of the easiest ways to get that attention. We want approval, so we compare how well our family members are doing with how someone else is struggling. Why are we so weak? Keeping a confidence is a beautiful, rare gem. It glows with quiet strength. There is no need to bolster our image because we know who we are; as followers of Christ, we know Whose we are.
The thing with words is they are like little sparks or fires. The Bible saves some of its strongest language to describe the power of our words.
“Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.” James 3:5-6
A word or phrase or conversation can have far-reaching impacts, as it catches fire, spreading and devouring like flames though old-man’s-beard on a dry, hot tree.
Another human trait is looking for the easiest way out. The easy way out of a tough situation or conversation is to avoid the person we should be talking to, and instead talk to everyone else. It’s not a benign activity, however. There are consequences. One particular explosive device is to discuss frustrations we have with a person’s spouse, sibling, or close friend. This is like kryptonite, because it exploits a weakness and vulnerability that already exists, and can divide the closest of friends. And often these wounds fester under the radar until it’s too late, until the distance has already been created.
So, what can be done? Is it a fatal disease? Not entirely. There are good reports of cures, restorations, whole new forests regrowing when instead of letting infection set in, the offended person says, “Hey, I heard you said this, or I caught wind that you might feel a certain way. Can you clarify that for me?” And suddenly, in the bright, cleansing light of day, the wound dries up and disappears.
If we love someone, we act in their best interest, even when it’s tempting to throw them under the bus. It’s the difference between, “Sorry we’re late, my husband was having some bowel issues in the bathroom the last hour”, and “Sorry we’re late.” End of story. Sure, someone might blame or suspect you uncharitably, but who cares! Insecurity begs to be right, perfect, and seen. Security and self-confidence can bear a little nuance, a little shade, even.
If we love someone, we don’t tell their whole story for them. It’s the difference between “Thanks, Mom.” and “Why, Mom?”
If we love someone, we cover them. It’s the difference between saying out loud at the restaurant, “Dear, did you remember your medication?” and sliding it quietly into their hand across the table. Or reminding a wife that their husband got three speeding tickets this year, when you know it’s a sore spot between them. It’s the difference between an angry conversation on the way home and a sweet moment holding hands across the front seat. Love does not delight in evil.
A troublemaker plants seeds of strife; gossip separates the best of friends. Proverbs 16:28
Next time we are tempted to share that thing someone said, take a moment. Just ask yourself, “Is this going to help or harm? What is the reason I feel I must talk about it?” So much good can come from simply holding our tongue. We can cover ourselves, too. Just because we are asked, doesn’t mean we are compelled to share. I have felt such respect for a friend that stopped me when I was tempted to gossip, or halted a conversation that was going downhill. Yes, it’s human nature. But that’s the beauty of being alive; we can always choose to be better than our nature, and cover the people we love.
Stories for Humans 