When life has felt out of our control, we remember. We devise ways to make sure it never happens again, that we never have to suffer the fear, or the humiliation, or the pain when life falls apart in some way. Whether it is not understanding what’s going on, being at the mercy of others, or experiencing a tragedy that could have been prevented, all of us humans know what it feels like – an avalanche, a rockslide too powerful to do anything but try to save yourself. And after we survive, to vow never to be in that situation again.
It may not be buried memory, but present anxiousness that keeps us out in the fray, desperately trying to direct traffic. If I can just stay on top of this, or ahead of it, or get the situation all figured out, then everything will be okay. And so even though we may be accidentally directing traffic off a cliff or vehicles to turn into each other, the illusion of control keeps us out there, pointing, hollering, blowing whistles.
I’ve had to wrestle with this personally and also in situations where someone is trying to control me or things that affect me. At present, with both my adult kids living far away, I worry, and the temptation to overcrowd them by checking in too often is real. I understand it. I can objectively look at what I do and shake my head, but the feeling of needing them to be okay is powerful, filling the mind.
Constantly checking in with someone may be falsely named care, love, or just parent helpfulness. We can excuse it. But are we really doing it out of care and love for them, or out of our own need – the desire to feel safe, to feel relief, to calm our anxious hearts. The habit of control may masquerade as love, but can have an ugly underside. When we try too hard we may push people away, strain relationships, and say what we don’t mean. This can result in hurting those we love, or possibly separating us from family or friends.
We think, “If I can control this relationship, maybe I can keep it.”
The illusion of control crops up in churches, organizations, ministries, and the business world, too. It often raises its head in Christian spaces, where normal rules are bent in trying to be gracious, welcoming, and open. Imagine with me a new church attender, perhaps a woman who has felt marginalized or misunderstood her whole life. Now, at this church, she is getting attention. People seem to care, and she begins serving in little ways, cleaning up or volunteering in the nursery. She is invited to homes, given a Bible, starts to sing on the worship team or joins the ladies’ group. As she feels accepted and even vital to the church, she works harder, and eventually is given a leadership role. This in turn brings a wonderful sense of approval and affirmation. However, in this new role, she feels it is imperative to have everything go right, and begins to have a hard time asking for help or delegating responsibilities. She ends up burnt out, exhausted, resentful. Maybe no-one truly cares for her, or why doesn’t she feel seen? After many years of this, she resigns, but few are given a reason or understand why. Maybe she even leaves the church, or stays on the margins, back to where she began – misunderstood and disconnected.
What happened?
When we root our identity in our role, we begin to over-control to protect our very self. When who we are is wrapped completely in what we do, or how we can help and thus be accepted by others, the temptation to control is overwhelming. We are saving ourselves. Control becomes harmful when it grows out of identifying too deeply or emotionally with our role or position.
Signs Control is Creeping In
- Overdoing.
- Catching yourself trying to take on too much, or do everything yourself, is a clear sign. I should know because I’ve been overdoing things for decades, though the last few years have forced me to stop. Trying too hard can be a result of complex inner feelings or painful past experiences. Sometimes though, it is a way to control the outcome or control how others think about us, or even just to stay so busy we don’t have to pause and think about where we are in life.
- Defensiveness.
- Are friends and family walking on eggshells around you, or do they avoid bringing up certain topics? Maybe a close friend has mentioned our apparent need for control or inflexibility. Do we immediately become defensive and upset? Family and friends tell us these things because they care, not because they are mad at us or trying to make life difficult. Life grows difficult when we refuse to acknowledge reality. Reality has a way of making speed bumps, of ‘sticking in the craw’ until we open up our eyes.
- Hiding.
- As the need for control takes over more and more of our lives, we begin hiding things. Our phones become a most precious possession, and we guard it diligently, because we can’t have people seeing how much we are texting or what we are saying — it might reveal the extent of our over-control. Maybe hiding money, either spent or hoarded away. Perhaps hiding where we go and what we do, so others can’t see the lengths we are willing to go to stay in control.
- Changing.
- Now don’t get me wrong, change can be good, necessary, and a sign of growth. I’m talking about a different kind of change. The kind where you don’t recognize yourself anymore. Maybe someone you love has noticed. Behavior that is out of character may be a sign of desperately trying to control or even manipulate events, people, or outcomes. Crossing other’s boundaries “for their own good”. Letting people use you or cross your boundaries so you can stay in their good graces, keeping the relationship. Blowing up in anger and frustration in a way that isn’t like you. Subtle or not-so-subtle changes while attempting to keep up with the runaway train that is huffing and puffing through your very life can result in losing who you are, losing relationships and friendships, losing what actually means the most in pursuit of staying in control.
I have watched this occur over and over, and even experienced it to a degree myself. It’s truly heartbreaking, and that is why I’ve felt compelled to write this down. A need for control isn’t an easy disease to recognize or understand. The harm and destruction it causes, however, is like the aftermath of a battle. Lonely people overcontrol and are left lonelier than ever. In trying to fix, we wreck things. Churches are left hurting and empty. Relationships grow distant and often break down. Organizations lose their way, falling apart amid the confusion that overcontrolling behavior creates. But control is an illusion or a delusion, a deceptive means of feeding the need to be loved, to be safe, to avert disaster, to prevent isolation. It’s like the parable of the monster in the backyard, who we keep feeding to keep it quiet, but then it grows so enormous it takes over the home, impossible to ignore.
The Cure
The only lasting cure for over-control is knowing our worth comes from who we are and not what we do. Our real identity cannot be shaken or changed by a role, a job, or a position. We were made as individuals with intrinsic worth because we were made in God’s image, in His likeness, and by His hand, with a purpose and meaning that is rooted in Him.
2 Corinthians 5:17 – Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
2 Timothy 1:7 – For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
I have felt discouraged about writing lately, and I think most of it has to do with the harder things I’ve been compelled to write about.
But if this inspires one reader to understand where the dragon of control is ruining their life, or recognize where they are being controlled and extricate themselves from it, I will count this blog a success. Life is too precious and fleeting to waste days and years trying to control others or being controlled. It is smoke and mirrors, a grand illusion.
Know WHO you are, and whose you are, and the control monster will have to fly away, giving us space to breathe freely and truly enjoy life again.
Stories for Humans 