In The Lord of the Rings, one of the most intriguing and satisfying scenes is watching Théoden, King of Rohan gain back his colour and strength after Gandalf frees him from Saruman’s control. The poisonous whispers of Grima Wormtongue had a stronghold on the once astute and vigorous king. He had lost the power of knowing his own mind, and instead parroted the words of those who controlled him. What a sad state of affairs, and how wonderful to watch as King Theoden stands, knows again the dear face of his niece Éowyn, and grips his sword!
A recurring battle in my own life has been recognizing when someone is whispering poison into my ear, dictating my responses, essentially running my life. In the past few years I have become quicker at recognizing when it is happening. It’s a challenge, because often manipulative people will use what they know you love or enjoy or value to reel you in. People manipulate others for all kinds of reasons – but ultimately, it’s about using whatever you have that will support their weak areas or prop up their agenda.
The presence of a “Wormtongue” in our lives can come from anywhere, and often where we least expect it. How was Grima able to get so close to Theoden, anyway? Why did he trust him, and give him unfettered access to his castle and kingdom? While his strength was being sucked away, those he loved were suffering, not knowing what to do. The people in his family and kingdom were left vulnerable, sad, and disillusioned. It happened gradually, subtly…until all power was in the hands of darkness.
How can we recognize manipulation behind the disguises it wears?
- Mirroring. The first step is often establishing a closeness, a familiarity, through mirroring you. The manipulator will smile, agree, and relate deeply to what you share about yourself. This is especially true at the pain points. If there is a sad or tough story from your childhood, a deep wound, a sensitive struggle – boom. That’s where they land, drawing out your struggles, getting you to share more and more. And then the mirroring happens. They have a similar story. They understand, better than anyone. And then, you are bonded to the manipulator. The hook is in – and now the work of reeling you in like a fish begins.
- Flattery. Close beside mirroring is flattery. The Bible has a lot to say about flattery, which is interesting. Let’s listen in to what God says about those whose slippery words wind around our hearts, using our wounds, our insecurities, and our pride as fertilizer for the seeds of flattery.
Everyone utters lies to his neighbor; with flattering lips and a double heart they speak. May the Lord cut off all flattering lips, the tongue that makes great boasts, those who say, “With our tongue we will prevail, our lips are with us; who is master over us?” Psalm 12:2-4
Whoever hates disguises himself with his lips and harbors deceit in his heart; when he speaks graciously, believe him not, for there are seven abominations in his heart; though his hatred be covered with deception, his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly.
Whoever digs a pit will fall into it, and a stone will come back on him who starts it rolling. A lying tongue hates its victims, and a flattering mouth works ruin. Proverbs 26:24-28
For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive. Romans 16:18
3. Familiarity. Once a manipulative person has your full attention, they keep it by staying close. They might not be physically beside you, though that can be the case, but they will stay in your mind by frequent check-ins like texting, sending photos, or involving you in their personal and work life. We always dance to the beat of the drum nearest us. And so, we need to choose wisely what is constantly sounding in our ear, making our feet move. For Wormtongue, the plan was to move right in and sit next to King Theoden, so no words of truth or sanity could pierce his consciousness and maybe save him from ruin.
The word ‘familiar” is from the root word ‘family’. Manipulators have a pretty standard playbook, and it almost always involves becoming like family. They may even call you “Mom”, or “Dad”, or “brother”, or “sister”, though there is no relation. I mean, if they are family, why would they want to hurt us? Becoming family is a powerful way for a manipulator to steer the ship wherever he or she desires to go.
Manipulators know how to appeal to people’s needs and wants. They can sense what will get a reaction, and know how to use anger or difficult situations to their advantage. And they are often the most helpful person in the room. A manipulator will literally run around in circles to make sure everyone is simply delighted. However, when you pay attention, who they are really helping is themselves.
The battle is intense for Gandalf the White, but he knows who he is dealing with, and he knows what is at stake. In the Lord of the Rings story, the entirety of Middle Earth hangs in the balance. In your story it might be your mental health (are you feeling unsteady, confused, or like things are chaotic?) or your family (are you sensing distance with otherwise close family members?), or your job (is money or time being quietly drained from you?) For the true Christian, what is at stake is our walk with Jesus, our effectiveness for God’s kingdom, and our testimony or legacy.
Are there voices whispering, creating havoc and darkness in your life? Shake off your slumber, stand to your feet, draw a line in the sand – and grasp your sword. You don’t need anyone but God to define who you are. It is high time to break free. When things get hazy or confusing, when the whispering is loud or relentless, ask God to show you the way. He has given us the sword of Truth and the helmet of Salvation, and He is much more powerful than even Gandalf the White. Seek the truth, watch for the fruit, and send the Grima Wormtongues in your life far away.
The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.
2 Corinthians 10:4
Stories for Humans 